


Spiders

by RueRambunctious



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Banter, Bodyguard, Boyfriends, Domestic Fluff, Fear, M/M, Protectiveness, Spiders, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 17:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8586937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RueRambunctious/pseuds/RueRambunctious
Summary: Feared criminal Jim Moriarty, 'The Spider', is not actually a fan of sharing his bathroom with uninvited creatures.Unsung hero Sebastian Moran saves the day, even if Jim insists the entire sorry incident is Sebastian's fault.





	

When Sebastian hears Jim's horrified yell followed by a loud clatter from the bathroom, he naturally thinks something is wrong. Grabbing up his nearest handgun, Sebastian bolts towards the disturbance.

To find Jim alone in the bathroom. “Boss?”

The brunet approaches Sebastian crossly and slaps him hard in the chest. “This is your fault!” he snaps.

“Yes, yes, okay,” Sebastian sighs, taking a gentle hold of Jim's flailing arms. “What did I do this time?”

“You disobeyed a _direct order_ ,” Jim spits.

Sebastian frowns. “When?”

“You let him in!” Jim roars, stamping a foot. It might have appeared more intimidating were he clothed.

Sebastian covers Jim with his frame instinctively, even though he knows he scanned the room the instant he entered. “Who?”

“You left the fucking stopper out of the fucking drain you utter cunt,” Jim huffs.

Sebastian pulls back slowly to give Jim a look. “Is this going where I think this is going?”

Jim has the sense not to meet his bodyguard's gaze, but shoves the broad chest with his shoulder. “I almost jumped out of my skin. _I almost broke my neck_.”

Sebastian sighs and tugs the smaller man over to the shower, expecting to at least see a palm-sized, hairy creature remotely deserving Jim's reaction. Spider bites in the UK are almost never dangerous, but Sebastian can at least appreciate that a big scuttling thing near one's toes might not be a pleasant experience.

What Sebastian casts his eyes on instead is a piddling little baby house spider barely the size of a five pence piece. It doesn't even have legs long enough to scale the drain.

...Maybe Jim is right and those illegal microbeads are clogging up the pipes, Sebastian supposes, imagining the tiny creature climbing them like a rock wall.

Jim has the grace to press his lips together and tense his jaw. Sebastian sighs and turns to look at the brunet. “You put my heart in my mouth over your safety because of an itty, bitty, baby spider?”

Jim swallows but frowns. “You're supposed to leave the stopper in.”

“You're supposed to be a grown man,” Sebastian counters.

Jim flinches as though struck.

“Don't look at me like that,” Sebastian warns. “That little baby has cause to be afraid of you, not the other way around.”

“I want you to kill it,” Jim whines.

Sebastian scoffs. “I'm not going to kill it.”

Jim pales. “Then how am I going to shower?”

Sebastian rolls his eyes. “You're supposed to be the genius; you figure it out.”

Jim pouts. “I'm not spending the night at a hotel just because you won't kill my spider. You kill what I tell you to, dammit.”

Sebastian rips off a bit of toilet tissue. “I kill people for you, not mere insects.”

“You do as I say!” Jim screeches.

Sebastian gives the man a look. “If you're not man enough to squish your own spiders you're not man enough to tell me how to treat them.”

Jim glares and snatches up Sebastian's gun.

The blond stands menacingly and takes it back with a slightly painful twist of Jim's wrist. “You _are not_ shooting up our perfectly tiled bathroom over a bug, James Moriarty.”

“I'm going to kill it!” Jim rages.

“Enough,” Sebastian warns. “You're not going to kill it, because you'll be insufferable if bits of tiny spider legs brush your toes the next time the drain clogs.”

Jim looks sick. Jim, who would gleefully butcher a man, feels sick.

“Child,” Sebastian snorts. “Let me deal with it.”

“You said you weren't going to kill it,” Jim huffs.

“I'm not,” Sebastian answers, kneeling before the shower base.

“You're going to put it outside?” Jim says dubiously. “He might get back in.”

“Either it's an 'it' or it's a 'he'… make up your mind,” Sebastian states. “And no, it's a house spider, it'll die of the cold outside.”

“Good, then it won't come back in,” Jim sniffs.

Sebastian gives the brunet an arch look, then gently eases the tissue paper down and coaxes the little spider onto it.

Jim pales. “You are not flushing that creature.”

Sebastian sighs. “It's not a snake: it's not going to swim back up and bite you.”

Jim looks disgusted.

Sebastian captures the spider and coos praise to it to wind Jim up. “There's a good boy, Insy Winsy, you're _much_ better behaved than my Jim. Let's get you settled, shall we? My sulky brat is terribly afraid of you.”

“I am not!” Jim snaps.

Sebastian glances over his shoulder as he walks towards the front door. “Aren't you?”

“This is all your fault!” Jim protests in frustration.

“How cruel of me,” Sebastian deadpans unsympathetically, and opens the door. “Come on, Insy, time to find yourself a home. Only one fearsome spider allowed in this residence.”

Jim huffs as he watches the interloper skitter away. “I hate you.”

Sebastian smirks and closes the door. “Really? Then you won't want me to come shower with you to defend you from any other fierce arachnids who try their luck.”

Jim's mouth twitches. “I'm not rewarding you. This is all your fault.”

“Did I or did I not rescue you from the fierce baby house spider?” Sebastian asks.

Jim glares.

“You're wasting time, Jim. We've left that drain open and unattended. Don't you want to check on it?” the blond teases.

Jim pales and scowls as he twitches towards the bathroom. “Stop manipulating me!” he grumbles.

Sebastian sweeps the smaller man up into his arms. “Can I help it if your buttons are so easy to press, Mister Fearsome Spider of the Underworld?”

Jim swats him. “You're a terrible bodyguard.”

“But I'm a wonderful boyfriend,” Sebastian smirks. “Defend you from scary little spiders and everything.”

“I don't like spiders,” Jim whines.

“Then let's go put the stopper back in then make lots of noise together to scare them all away. This is your territory,” Sebastian teases.

Jim bites his lip. “It's still all your fault.”

“Maybe it was all a ploy to show you how fierce and manly I can be as I fend off wild, fierce beasts to protect you, my love,” Sebastian snorts.

Jim scowls. “I'm sure I can find some hits for you to take care of in Australia. Let's see how smug and brave you are then.”

Sebastian snorts. “You know the only thing I'm afraid of, Jimbo, and it's not spiders. Even bitey ones.”

“I will fucking leave you if you call me that one more time,” Jim grumbles.

Sebastian grins. “No, Mr Spider, you won't.”


End file.
